the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
