I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
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