So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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