i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
