And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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