apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize