After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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