She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I think I just sharted jello shots
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