4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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