yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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