I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
My liver just broke up with me...
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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