The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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