I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
