you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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