I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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