I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
