Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
NoShamevember. You game?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
