I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
