Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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