Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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