I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
