I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
