I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
