i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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