1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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