the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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