Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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