my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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