the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
