you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
operation harelip BJ is a go
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
