Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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