I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
