People with herpes should wear stickers.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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