I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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