These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
