I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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