now i know why i became what i already was.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
