I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
