yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
