Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
