Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize