pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
