I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
