Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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