I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
