dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
