If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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