So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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