Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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