How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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