I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
