I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
this is an emotional support booty call
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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