Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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