yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
