I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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