apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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