He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
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